Waiting...

     As I spend my days in Ladner cooking, cleaning, chasing (after kids) and cuddling (with my nieces, 2 & 4), while waiting for my new niece or nephew to arrive, my heart is hurting. How I long to be huge and uncomfortable like like sister-in-law is right now. To experience it all, being kicked in the ribs, the hiccups, the sleepless nights, the excitement, knowing your own precious baby is growing the developing inside of you at that very moment. And then, to feel the contractions, and know that very soon you will have your own little sweet pea in your arms. You will soon be kissing a little head, covered in duck fuzz, counting those perfect fingers and toes. What an amazing rewards after all the pain and discomfort.

     For me, the hard part is not going to be the contractions, it is right now, the waiting and wishing. The countless months (or years) waiting to see those two little pink lines appear. What a funny way to find out such monumental news. News that will forever change your life, and you find out by peeing on a stick! And the stories you hear of where people choose to pee on a stick.. thankfully in bathrooms, but... at Denny's? Or Superstore? My preference would be at home for sure. Then I would feel 100% free to shout, laugh, cry, dance and of course, dream!
So far that dream of seeing those pink lines remains exactly that, a dream. After too many negative results to even keep count of, I have just stopped taking them. The deferred hope, the whispered prayers 'Oh Lord, please let this be the time! PLEASE!' Or 'Your will be done..' I just can't do it anymore. The nervous knot, the disappointment.. it was to depressing to repeat month after month. Maybe this is God's will for my life? Maybe I'm not ready? I just don't know. So, I wait.

     I doubt I'm the only one feeling like this, but the struggle with infertility has taken a toll on me. I feel like such a failure. All the pressure from family for grandkids, for nieces and nephews. The pressure from friends, who seem to have memory issues, and always ask when we 'plan' on starting a family. As if we have the choice to just stop being infertile! At first, it was just hard to handle, and now, I feel like it is all my fault. I'm the one who can't conceive. (We've had the tests, no problems with the swimmers) What kind of woman am I? I don't even do the basic human functions properly! I can't give my husband a son, or a daughter! I can't give my parents grandchildren. Will I ever? How do I stop the onslaught of emotions that steamroll me at random? I'm forever battling myself, defending against the lie that this is my fault, that I am being punished for something. Why else would this be happening? 

     So I just keep telling myself, over and over again, I am NOT being punished, and

I AM NOT A FAILURE!

    Sure, so my overies aren't working so great, but I'm okay! Emotionally retarded, but okay!