journey of hope

     I was born April, 1983, to amazing, godly parents. I have two big brothers, and one baby sister. We lived in many different places, and although we met many, many people, the four of us siblings always stuck close to each other. Still do.

     In 2002 i jetted off on a new adventure, a new chapter of my life. New Zealand was my home for a year. I made amazing discoveries, met wonderful friends, and had exciting experiences. It was a huge time of growth and self discovery,

     When I returned to Canada, I met and fell in love with a man like no other. He was the most fiercely loyal person I had ever known. DW was passionate about God, reptiles, and music. And although we were only 20, we decided we wanted to spend our lives together. On May 1, 2004 we were married before our families and friends, in a rather small, candle-lit evening service. He had a mohawk, I wore white. (With a black corset tie-up back, and hot pink flip flops.)We both looked FABULOUS!

     After an interesting honeymoon in Fairmont, filled with the usual honeymoon activities, vehicles breaking down, and insane amounts of rain and mosquitoes, we started our 'life'! Working, playing, the usual. And we we decided we wanted to shirk the stereotypical attitude of our peers and start a family right away. After all, I had gotten my cycle on our honeymoon, so we could start trying right away. Only, my next cycle didn't arrive until August ('04)! And the one after that, July ('05!!!) So we started seeing doctors.

     In December ('05) I was put on a drug called Provera. I was told it was to 'kick-start' my period. Only, that was not really what the drug did. So after 3 months on provera, I stopped taking it, and waited to see if my cycle would come again. It did! About once every 3-4 months. And it was never a regular cycle. Very light, and short. The doctors sent me in twice to get ultrasounds, the first one was just a regular external one, the second appointment, I got the external and a internal one. OUCH! But both showed nothing out of the ordinary. No cysts, everything looked perfectly normal. So what the heck is going on? The doctors didn't know.
In the fall of 2007 I decided to try this new drug women with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) were taking. Metformin seemed to help a little. It also helped me loose some wieght, which each docotor has said 'might' be the issue. (Of course they had NO idea what was, and still is, going on) the side effects of metformin sucked though. I could never be far from a bathroom, otherwise I'd have issues! But I won't give more details than that!

     So here I am, June 2008, and my womb is still barren. My hope is still alive, but my heart hurts more than words could ever describe. My arms ache to hold my own child, to nestle my child to my breast. I feel as though my purpose on this earth is to be a mother, and yet, I am not one. And by worldly standards (aka doctors) may never be one. And my whole being is in mourning for the children I may never have. I feel so alone in this. All around me fertile women seem to mock me, with their protruding belly or their newborn babe.

     Their stories of conception make me want to yell out in agony. The 'oops' conception... is always the most painful to hear. Why is it so easy for everyone who doesn't even WANT a child to get 'knocked-up', and yet, I remain childless.

     How can anyone truly understand how I feel if they aren't in my same situation. I 'had' two friends who understood, until they both conceived, both miscarried, and now one of which is pregnant again. At least they know they can get pregnant... I don't even have that.

     I hate to sound like a big whiner, I'm sure all my friends are sick of this subject, but I just want to know why I don't get to experience the miracle of carrying a child?!? Will I ever? How many more friends and family members will I have to watch experiencing my biggest dream in life, before its my turn? How many times will I have to hear the two worst phrases ever? (1- So, when are you going to start having kids? 2- We're Pregnant!) I truly am excited for everyone who tells me that, but a little piece of my heart breaks away each time. I don't know how much longer I can wait, before my heart is so broken it just stops working altogether! And yet.... I keep hoping!

Proverbs 23:18
'Surely there is a future, and your hope will not be cut off!'

Psalm 27:14
'Wait for the Lord. Be strong and let your heart take courage. Yes, wait for the Lord!'

     So, I wait. Trying to remind myself of those verses. On June 6, 2006, I got a tattoo on my wrist, of a gorgeous pink flower as a reminder, with a banner above the flower that says "Future Hope".