Friday was a craptastic day. I woke up tired, with my usual headache, and walked down stairs to my usual disaster I call home. Due to that fact that we are stupid broke, there is no food in the house, so I skipped breakfast (and lunch) and started in on my 'to do' list for the day. First item, call the bank and figure out what is up with our mortgage payments. Only to find out we owe 2 months worth, due asap. Oh and can I bring that in today? So the wee bit of money we have been saving to try and dig ourselves out of debt went towards the mortgage, along with the last of the money in the bank account for food, gas and all our bills (which are still due, but will have to jolly well wait until DW gets paid next).
So, I walk into the bank, shaking because I'm so upset that life is constantly sucking, and muttering in my head that I am frakking DONE with this. But in I go, and hand over ALL of my money. And to top it off, the bank teller had the nerve to update my info on the system. I know, sounds harmless enough right?
Question one, phone number? Easy!
Question two, job? Gee thanks lady.. bring up my recent surprise termination!
Question three, any kids? I literally felt like a mental patient. Knowing it was insane, but not being able to stop myself, I said nope, with my eyes brimming full, and wanting to book it out of there.
How can one little innocent question ruin my day so easily? Let me tell you a story...
Once upon a time, there was a girl who loved life. Loved to lay in the grass and breathe in the fresh air, watch the leaves fall. A girl who loved Sundays most, because church is on Sundays, and that meant singing wonderful worship songs, giving glory to God for all the amazing things He has done. She loved to spend her time with family and friends. She was a hugger. She was quick to trust and forgive. Those who knew her thought it so fitting that her middle name was joy, because she was joyful and caring.
That girl is gone. Sundays feel like an obligation, worship is empty. She has trouble caring about anything at all. She spends time with family and friends, but rarely shares her heart. She finds hugs awkward now. She is skeptical, and avoids people whenever she can. She has lost her joy, and is terrified that she will loose what little hope is left.
Almost 5 and a half years of infertility have changed me in ways so drastic that my own mother has asked where I have 'gone'. I used to enjoy life. I used to be happy. These days, I trudge though life, wishing it would just stop already. I am surrounded with everything I want, but can't have. Watching people take for granted something that seems to miraculous to me, as if it were nothing. How have I become this person? A person who's most 'whole' feeling moments are when she holds her 10 month old niece and can for a second feel like she has something to live for?
That is the most honest I have been (other than with DW) for a long time.
**Lack of sleep tends to remove my inhibitions. (I literally act like a drunk if I'm tired enough.. but ironically just get tired when I drink)
Time for me to try to fall asleep before 2am for a change.
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