Been a while...

Thought I'd at least write something. Montana was super fun! It was nice to have a girls trip. I got a Wii fit! WOOHOO! So much fun! And some cute clothing. Yay for Ross Dress for Less! So, now that summer is officially over, and I am back home, it is time for real life to actually start. That means job hunting. That means an actually job. That means a completely new diet (not a loose weight diet, a crazy-let's-see-if-this-helps-us-get-pregnant diet!), dairy free, almost sugar free, caffeine free, refine carbs free... Sound fun? And wonderful Wii Yoga! haha So I thought I would just write something, prove that I am alive. Ohh, and officially NOT pregnant! That's right.. I POAS just for fun, and no dice! So, we continue to wait, and see what God has in store for as. As my mum pointed out, September is a time of beginnings, of new stuff. So, I'm going to start something new and see how it goes. Worst case scenario, I get healthier! Oh dear, what a terrible side effect.

Wow!

So, after my crazy vent this morning, I decided to head to my parents place because my absolutely adorable 23 month old niece was there. Oh she is so fun! No matter how stressed or hectic life is, she is a little ball of sunshine! So we were playing, and watching grandpa and daddy (as my dad and brother are now called by pretty much everyone) build a deck, until it was nap-time. So off she went to sleep. While it was all quiet in the house, mumsie and I discussed the up coming trip. So, we planned packing lists and boring stuff like that, when mum drops a bombshell on me. My daddy has decided to give all three of us 'girls' $1000 spending money!!! Holy CRAP! 

And as if that wasn't enough crazy, I listed 3 items on kijiji today, and the most expensive one has sold! So that is another 250 bucks! Maybe my ikea furniture will sell too!

So funny how whenever I think I'm doomed, and things will never get better, something miraculous happens! God is good! I just need to make the choice to rejoice, and trust that He knows what is best! 

Totally Venting!

Warning: This blog post is full of venting and sarcasm! Feel totally free to skip it!

Why is it that whenever you have something to do in life, a change to make, for example, completely changing your diet, there is always SOMETHING to get in the way! ARG! I am now ready to implement the diet changes recommended in 'The Infertility Cure', but can't! We are completely broke, and can't afford a special diet. Heck, we can hardly afford KD at this point. Which means until I find a job, I can't try the special diet, can't try the chinese herbs, and can't continue my acupuncture. To top it off, my mum and sister decided Sunday would be a good day to head to Great Falls, Montana for a girls memory making trip! So the little bit of money I had saved up for Wii Fit, and the money I was able to finally get for the tickets I bought friends, is all going towards a trip to Montana, and I may have about $15 for spending! WOOT! (that was a very sarcastic woot) Plus, I'm pretty sure stress is bad for fertility too. (also sarcasm.. I'm positive stress is bad for fertility) But could I possibly get anymore stressed out right now? Why is it whenever you  really really need to do something, it is so hard to do it? There is always something popping up, getting in the way! NARF! If only there was some way to make really quick cash without it being morally degrading! *sigh* Well, time to go do laundry, make up a new resume, do dishes, vacuum, and basically clean clean clean! Oh happy day!

The Infertility Cure

     So I decided to buy a new book. And even choose one I had never been told about. Just saw it on amazon, and said to myself, 'self, this looks intriguing!' So, I ordered it via chapters, and awaited its arrival into my otherwise 'Bills Only' mailbox. How exciting to get something that isn't depressing in the mail! The book is 'The Infertility Cure' by Randine Lewis Ph.D.

      So, after reading the introduction, I was HOOKED! I probably  interrupted my poor husband's movie a dozen times in about 5 pages! I'm only a few chapters in now, but I have had so many 'Whoa! That is so ME' moments. One that I really needed to hear was on page 9! 

"You are NOT broken! 

You are NOT deficient! 

No matter what the outcome...

 You are WHOLE!"

     Another line that totally hit home, was at the end of a story about a couple who went through so much trying to get pregnant, only to end up in crazy debt, depressed, and still without a child. (From page 12,) "Every time someone asks them why they don't have children, she slowly dies inside." Oh, how many times I have felt that way. As if my heart is so broken it will stop working completely. But staying hopeful is so painful. Most days I just want to stop all together. To give up the dream completely. But then something happens, my mysterious Aunt Flow shows up, completely shocking me! And once again, the crazy train pulls in. The hoping, (and dreading at the same time) the negative pregnancy tests, the tears, the pain, and another few months without my aunt. Not even a hint that she MIGHT arrive. 

     So, although I'm not done the book, and I still have HEAPS to learn about TCM (traditional Chinese Medicine), I decided to start trying something new. I went to my first (of many) acupuncture appointment this morning. After have a couple dozen needles stuck into me, and having them twisted and such, I am once again, jumping on the crazy train, getting hopeful. Thinking, if this works.... And yet it may not. God may have totally different plans for my life. And that is what I find toughest on this journey. Trying to come to and stay in a peaceful place, where I surrender my will, and desire God's will for my life. *arg* it is seriously a moment to moment struggle for me.

     Well, time to try and get myself motivated to clean my house. I'd way rather spend the remainder of the day curled up, watching season one of One Tree Hill..... Oh wistful dreams! 

June 27, 2008

Wow! It's been a long time since my last update. Where to start? How about June 27? PERFECT! 

     June 27 started out like any other day for one staying with extended family. (SIL, her hubby, and two nieces) I woke up to two very rambunctious girls, jumping between giggling and fighting with each other. Very interesting thing to wake up to for 3 weeks in a row. Especially when you are used to a completely silent house. So, I got up, had a shower, got dressed and wandered downstairs for some breakfast. Pretty unexciting eh? But it didn't stay that way for long!

     While the girls ran around, and her husband got ready for work, my SIL was sitting on her birthing ball (a very common sight) at the computer, with tears streaming down her face. One look, and I knew! Today was THEE day! She was in genuine, rip you in half, labour! WOO HOO! So after sitting on the couch rather awkwardly for a few minutes, I decided to corral my 4 year old niece, and told her she needed to use her quiet voice, and play outside with her little sister (who is 2 and a half), because her new baby was coming today! And not knowing what else to do, I did some random cleaning. I happen to know how to do that! haha After a call to the midwife, a few more contractions, my SIL finally asked her husband to remove his coat and hat, because this was really and truly IT! Although he didn't seem to fully grasp that until the midwife arrived and confirmed that this truly was the day!

    So, we set up the birthing pool in the dinning room, and started filling it with water. Meanwhile, the neighbor was called, and the girls went to her house, and the house got rearrange so that it would work for a home birth. I seriously had NO idea what I should be doing. I felt so incredibly useless. Thankfully the midwife had some awesome jobs for me! I was asked to get as many clean towels as I could find. And once my SIL was in the pool, and her best friend had arrived, I was in charge of boiling water to keep the pool warm. Honestly, that part totally amused me. I was boiling water! Oh, and don't forget about the towel job! So funny. It made me chuckle every time I put a new pot on to boil. Such a cliche thing to be doing eh? So, I boiled water, got gatorade ice cubes, and prayed, prayed, and prayed some more! Every contraction, all I could think to do to help, was to pray that God would give her His strength.

    Meanwhile, my SIL was doing awesome! Apparently the pool was a great idea! She was able to actually be comfortable for the first time in many many months. (Due to way to much relaxin, her hips had been very very painful) She handled every contraction amazingly well. She was even able to eat a (delicious) peach white tea popsicle in between contractions! Her water broke while in the pool, and was clean! Thank you Lord! After a few hours in the pool, her midwife thought it best to move her out of the pool, and try different positions. Little did the rest of us know, my SIL was no longer progressing, and was only 6-7 cm. So, out she came. And good gravy did that look painful! After hours of near weightlessness, and mostly manageable pain, her next contraction (on the couch) was a doosie!

    I took over the role of holding a heating pad on her lower back, while her bf used a ice cold cloth on her face. After a couple more awful contractions, the midwife asker her to move onto the floor, on all fours, for a few contractions, and then onto her back so she could check her progress. 

     Seriously, my SIL was AWESOME! She was definitely in a LOT of pain, and she wasn't sure if she could handle more, and was wanting to go to the hospital for an epidural. Her midwife got right down on her level and talked her through the pain, and said she had an other bag of waters, and that if she broke them, the baby would most likely be there within the hour. OR they could move to the hospital, and it would be a few hours at least. She also offered to show my SIL what the pressure would feel like once her water had been broken (again). Most women say that the pain gets WAY worse once your water breaks, and my SIL was quite worried about that. So after feeling how the pressure would feel, and another extremely painful contraction, my SIL decided to stay home, and have her water broke.

     WOW! There was so much liquid! The midwife ended up with a soaked lap! But, the baby slipped right down, and my SIL moved over onto the birthing stool, and SIX MINUTES later, her gorgeous son was in her arms! Praise the Lord for a healthy, 10 lbs. baby boy! He was perfect! And she had done it! A 100% drug free, home birth of a 10 pounder! She was remarkable, through the entire process!

     There ended up being a complication with her placenta, and she needed to go to the hospital after all. She was home the next day, and was greeted by two VERY EXCITED little girls who were very much wanting to meet their new baby brother. Who seriously, is the sweetest, most mellow baby I have ever met! He is gorgeous, and perfect, and such a little man!

Hermit much?

     So, I think I made a discovery about myself. I am a hermit! Ever since my battle with fertility began, I have withdrawn further and further into my little 'safe' space. My bubble basically consists of family, and friends I've had for years. 

     I hate meeting new people! Once you join the marrieds, it starts right away. Every new couple you meet asks the same questions -and usually during your first conversation- about having kids. Seriously, explaining such an emotional and personal issue with a stranger? NOT my idea of a good time!

-a- way to painful for me

-2- I feel inadequate or like a failure.

-c- just plain AWKWARD!

     So, next time you meet new people, who aren't lugging around diaper bags, mini coats, and random McDonalds toys, DON'T ask the kid question! So many women are dealing with fertility issues these days, and bringing it up, not fun! If they are open to talking about such things, they will bring it up themselves!

Waiting...

     As I spend my days in Ladner cooking, cleaning, chasing (after kids) and cuddling (with my nieces, 2 & 4), while waiting for my new niece or nephew to arrive, my heart is hurting. How I long to be huge and uncomfortable like like sister-in-law is right now. To experience it all, being kicked in the ribs, the hiccups, the sleepless nights, the excitement, knowing your own precious baby is growing the developing inside of you at that very moment. And then, to feel the contractions, and know that very soon you will have your own little sweet pea in your arms. You will soon be kissing a little head, covered in duck fuzz, counting those perfect fingers and toes. What an amazing rewards after all the pain and discomfort.

     For me, the hard part is not going to be the contractions, it is right now, the waiting and wishing. The countless months (or years) waiting to see those two little pink lines appear. What a funny way to find out such monumental news. News that will forever change your life, and you find out by peeing on a stick! And the stories you hear of where people choose to pee on a stick.. thankfully in bathrooms, but... at Denny's? Or Superstore? My preference would be at home for sure. Then I would feel 100% free to shout, laugh, cry, dance and of course, dream!
So far that dream of seeing those pink lines remains exactly that, a dream. After too many negative results to even keep count of, I have just stopped taking them. The deferred hope, the whispered prayers 'Oh Lord, please let this be the time! PLEASE!' Or 'Your will be done..' I just can't do it anymore. The nervous knot, the disappointment.. it was to depressing to repeat month after month. Maybe this is God's will for my life? Maybe I'm not ready? I just don't know. So, I wait.

     I doubt I'm the only one feeling like this, but the struggle with infertility has taken a toll on me. I feel like such a failure. All the pressure from family for grandkids, for nieces and nephews. The pressure from friends, who seem to have memory issues, and always ask when we 'plan' on starting a family. As if we have the choice to just stop being infertile! At first, it was just hard to handle, and now, I feel like it is all my fault. I'm the one who can't conceive. (We've had the tests, no problems with the swimmers) What kind of woman am I? I don't even do the basic human functions properly! I can't give my husband a son, or a daughter! I can't give my parents grandchildren. Will I ever? How do I stop the onslaught of emotions that steamroll me at random? I'm forever battling myself, defending against the lie that this is my fault, that I am being punished for something. Why else would this be happening? 

     So I just keep telling myself, over and over again, I am NOT being punished, and

I AM NOT A FAILURE!

    Sure, so my overies aren't working so great, but I'm okay! Emotionally retarded, but okay!