A year in review

One year ago today I was in Calgary, at the Regional Fertility Clinic having an IUI done. DW had gone in early that morning by himself to do his part, and I went down a few hours later to do my part. I was emotionally spent and ready for a break. This was our last try until the new year. My body needed a break from the drugs, I needed a break from the whole process - internal ultrasounds, drugs, cramps, timed intercourse, trips to Calgary every other day for almost 2 weeks each month - I was tired and overwhelmed. My sister and parents were planning a liver cleanse and once I got my BFN I was going to join them. It was something to look forward to, to help take my mind off of what I was sure was NOT happening in my womb.

It's hard to believe how much can change in 365 days! Things felt different within a few days but I didn't want to hope and have my heart crushed! I tested 13 agonizing days later and BFP!!! I was a mum :) I prayed all the time, giving my babe back into God's hands! I was so excited and so terrified but trusting that the giver of life was watching over us! Every week was a huge milestone, especially once we passed week 30!

Fast forward to today: I woke up to my beautiful 16 week old baby girl, who was wiggling, grunting and about to wake up for her breakfast! I am so blessed and more in love than I knew was possible!

IUI

Well, the time has come for DW and myself to take the next step! Although, it really is mostly myself going through all the hoops. DW has it so much easier... but by no means am I saying it doesn't effect him!!!! But his swimmers are perfect, and thus it was me who got to take prometrium for 10 days. Praise the Lord, I am done that! Now we wait.... and although it has only been one night free of prometrium, I am impatient for AF to arrive so we can get this party started! Af is trying to make an appearance already, but hardly counts as cd1, so tomorrow maybe!!

For anyone reading this who doesn't know how an IUI procedure works, I shall break it down for ya!

First, if you do not ovulate on your own, and therefore have irregular cycles, then they will likely give you Clomid (aka Serophene) for a few cycles, see if you conceive. If not, but you ARE ovulating on it, next comes the IUI, which stands for intrauterine insemination. (sometimes called artificial insemination) If you don't have a shed on your own, the Dr. will likely give you Prometrium. At the end of the 10 days on prometrium, your body will shed the liner, and start the process again. It usually takes up to 7 days for the shed.

Second step, calling the clinic. On Cd1 (the first day of your period, not just spotting) you call in to inform the clinic, and get your ultrasound booked. Which is usually about cd10, and every 2-3 after that.

Next, Clomid! Which you take for 5 days. some doctors will advise cd3-cd7, some will advise cd5-cd10. Depends on the dr. I myself am doing cd3-cd7.

CD10 (or so) you go in for your first ultrasound to see how the follicle is doing. Then you go in every 2-3 days until the follicle grows to about 18-24mm. At which point I get to have a shot of HGC to 'force' ovulation.

DW has one job during this process.. to make a 'donation' at the lab, which will be washed and inserted!

That's it! Lots of waiting around for things to be ready, followed by lots of waiting to see if it worked or not!!!! If AF goes as predicted, I should be heading to Cowtown for my first appointment on August 3 me thinks, cuz the long weekend just happens to fall that weekend so.. EEK! It is coming up SOON!

Freeeeedom!

I decided it was time to be free, of Facebook that is. I'll admit, I was an addict. So I figured the best cure was to just be done with it. And not just deactivate it, because I have horrid self control. So I spent hours deleting EVERY friend, all of my personal information, all 'tags' on photos & notes, EVERYTHING! It seriously took forever. But now I am free! So much free time! haha

In other news, I have the most HORRID hair color right now! Let's just say, I shan't be coloring my hair purple and dark dark brown anytime soon. I used a hair stripper last night, which was basically a weak as bleach, and had to bleach it anyways this morning. So right now, my hair is a delightful peach, orange and cotton candy pink, with random bits of yellow and blond. SEXY! I have NO idea how my color is going to cover this gong show of a rainbow hair do I'm rockin but... I have photos to prove it :)


Fantastic eh? haha Here hoping the new color will cover it decently. At least Emi loves it! :)


I guess I should do a fertility update... Round 4 of Clmoid sucked. No sign of ovulation, really low temps, but at least AF came, even if it wasn't until about CD38. So now I am on my first cycle sans Clomid after 4 on Clomid, CD 20 (ish.. I don't have my chart stuff at mum's) and still super low temps. Zero sign that my body is going to try to do anything out of its ordinary. Been exercising more lately, and am planning on starting P90X with a friend soon. Plus I am looking into trying a low GI diet and see if that helps my silly body work better! If I have zero results by the end of April, we shall be heading to the fertility clinic again in May. But I think the big issue right now, is getting rid of some excess chub then worrying about the ovulation! Because baby or no baby, I don't wanna look like this forever.. nope nope nope...


Random info time! DW is waiting to hear about a new job! He should know tomorrow if he will get on for the shut down at the end of the month. I'm in the process of completing my passport application. Mum called last night on her way (by car) to California and said I should get it asap so I can fly down to California on April 8th to drive back with her and my sister person. Which means a stop in Vegas! SO SO EXCITED! I have only ever been to LAX, Colorado and Montana. It will be amazing to see some of the other sights on the drive home :)

Off to tidy up toys, do lunch dishes and hopefully get some reading in before the girls wake up :)

Waiting...

     As I spend my days in Ladner cooking, cleaning, chasing (after kids) and cuddling (with my nieces, 2 & 4), while waiting for my new niece or nephew to arrive, my heart is hurting. How I long to be huge and uncomfortable like like sister-in-law is right now. To experience it all, being kicked in the ribs, the hiccups, the sleepless nights, the excitement, knowing your own precious baby is growing the developing inside of you at that very moment. And then, to feel the contractions, and know that very soon you will have your own little sweet pea in your arms. You will soon be kissing a little head, covered in duck fuzz, counting those perfect fingers and toes. What an amazing rewards after all the pain and discomfort.

     For me, the hard part is not going to be the contractions, it is right now, the waiting and wishing. The countless months (or years) waiting to see those two little pink lines appear. What a funny way to find out such monumental news. News that will forever change your life, and you find out by peeing on a stick! And the stories you hear of where people choose to pee on a stick.. thankfully in bathrooms, but... at Denny's? Or Superstore? My preference would be at home for sure. Then I would feel 100% free to shout, laugh, cry, dance and of course, dream!
So far that dream of seeing those pink lines remains exactly that, a dream. After too many negative results to even keep count of, I have just stopped taking them. The deferred hope, the whispered prayers 'Oh Lord, please let this be the time! PLEASE!' Or 'Your will be done..' I just can't do it anymore. The nervous knot, the disappointment.. it was to depressing to repeat month after month. Maybe this is God's will for my life? Maybe I'm not ready? I just don't know. So, I wait.

     I doubt I'm the only one feeling like this, but the struggle with infertility has taken a toll on me. I feel like such a failure. All the pressure from family for grandkids, for nieces and nephews. The pressure from friends, who seem to have memory issues, and always ask when we 'plan' on starting a family. As if we have the choice to just stop being infertile! At first, it was just hard to handle, and now, I feel like it is all my fault. I'm the one who can't conceive. (We've had the tests, no problems with the swimmers) What kind of woman am I? I don't even do the basic human functions properly! I can't give my husband a son, or a daughter! I can't give my parents grandchildren. Will I ever? How do I stop the onslaught of emotions that steamroll me at random? I'm forever battling myself, defending against the lie that this is my fault, that I am being punished for something. Why else would this be happening? 

     So I just keep telling myself, over and over again, I am NOT being punished, and

I AM NOT A FAILURE!

    Sure, so my overies aren't working so great, but I'm okay! Emotionally retarded, but okay!