A year in review

One year ago today I was in Calgary, at the Regional Fertility Clinic having an IUI done. DW had gone in early that morning by himself to do his part, and I went down a few hours later to do my part. I was emotionally spent and ready for a break. This was our last try until the new year. My body needed a break from the drugs, I needed a break from the whole process - internal ultrasounds, drugs, cramps, timed intercourse, trips to Calgary every other day for almost 2 weeks each month - I was tired and overwhelmed. My sister and parents were planning a liver cleanse and once I got my BFN I was going to join them. It was something to look forward to, to help take my mind off of what I was sure was NOT happening in my womb.

It's hard to believe how much can change in 365 days! Things felt different within a few days but I didn't want to hope and have my heart crushed! I tested 13 agonizing days later and BFP!!! I was a mum :) I prayed all the time, giving my babe back into God's hands! I was so excited and so terrified but trusting that the giver of life was watching over us! Every week was a huge milestone, especially once we passed week 30!

Fast forward to today: I woke up to my beautiful 16 week old baby girl, who was wiggling, grunting and about to wake up for her breakfast! I am so blessed and more in love than I knew was possible!

2 tries later..

I decided it was time for an update. Plus I'm at my mum's making cupcakes and have nothing to kill the time while they cook...other than dishes... so the obvious choice? Blog!

So in July/August, we attempted our first IUI. I took 100mg of Serophene CD3-7 (July24-28) then came the numerous ultrasounds in Cowtown.
Ultrasound #1 - August 2 - 2 follicles, 8mm & 9 mm.
Ultrasound #2 - August 5 - 2 follicles, 14 mm & 11mm
Ultrasound #3 - August 7 - 0 follicles found, all just small 'unripe' ones. So I was sent to do blood work, LH level 16. They are saying I didn't ovulate yet so...
Ultrasound #4 - August 10 - 0 follicles still, sent for more blood work, which came back on the 11th, I ovulated! So now we wait and see what happens!

Nothing! Just the arrival of stupid AF... so now we start all over again! Hopefully they don't miss my ovulation this time!

August 23-27 I took my 100mg of Serophene yet again for CD3-7.
Ultrasound #1 - September 3 - 1 follicle, 11mm
Ultrasound #2 - September 5 - 1 follicle, 17mm
Ultrasound #3 - September 7 - 1 follicle, 23 mm (by 15 mm)
YAY follie is big enough for the injection! (10,000 iu of hCG)

So, the nurse (Jennifer I think! I have met SO many there) took us into a little room to instruct me how to give myself the injections.. that is correct, I had to inject myself! Seemed easy enough, half in one needle, half in the other, injected in different spots on my stomach or thighs. I know I could have got DW to do it, but I'm kind of a control freak, so at 11pm on September 7th, I stuck myself in the belly twice!

Next up was the IUI itself. DW had to make his 'deposit' at 7:30 am at the lab. Then we went back to my aunt's to kill the time between. My aunt and I made some apple sauce to keep my mind of the drama that was fast approaching. My appointment was at 10:30am. So off we went! The actual process is mad simple! Undress from the waist down, cover up with a sheet, put your feet in the stir ups, and wait. The worst part is the dry insertion of the speculum. They can't lubricate because if they bump the lube with the catheter it can't be used, thus wasting the sperm. So in it goes, and that is it! about ten minutes total, and you are free to go! Some women experience cramping but I didn't. Just general soreness. The nurse told me to test on September 25th if AF hadn't arrived.

So September 20th, I was SO fed up with waiting. I just wanted to know NOW. haha AF was expected the following day, so it wasn't like I was testing super early or anything. BFN! And AF did arrive on the 21st.

So today, I am already on day 3 of Serophene. My first two ultrasounds are booked for October 4th and 6th. I honestly am not looking forward to doing this again. I'm tired of the BFNs, I'm tired of drugs, I'm REALLY tired of internal ultrasounds. (TMI alert! My left ovary 'hides' behind my bowel or something, and they have to put a LOT of pressure on me with the internal wand to find it.. it is horrendous!)

So far this cycle, I've found out 2 of my friends are newly preggers. Due in May, which is when I would be due if the first IUI had been successful. I have a friend due any day now (technically on the 8th but...), one at Christmas time, and 2 in January. This would be the 3rd cycle of babies I have 'missed'... I'm emotionally exhausted. I don't know what will happen after this next try. If it doesn't work.. I'm out of drugs, and have no coverage for more. I am so thankful for all my prayer warriors! I know God has a plan for me! I KNOW this, but I'm just so deep in the chaos that I feel like it will never actually end.

Time to go finish making my peppermint icing, and ice those bad boys! Is there anything tastier than dark chocolate cupcakes with a hint of mint, and delicious mint butter cream icing? Me thinks not!

IUI

Well, the time has come for DW and myself to take the next step! Although, it really is mostly myself going through all the hoops. DW has it so much easier... but by no means am I saying it doesn't effect him!!!! But his swimmers are perfect, and thus it was me who got to take prometrium for 10 days. Praise the Lord, I am done that! Now we wait.... and although it has only been one night free of prometrium, I am impatient for AF to arrive so we can get this party started! Af is trying to make an appearance already, but hardly counts as cd1, so tomorrow maybe!!

For anyone reading this who doesn't know how an IUI procedure works, I shall break it down for ya!

First, if you do not ovulate on your own, and therefore have irregular cycles, then they will likely give you Clomid (aka Serophene) for a few cycles, see if you conceive. If not, but you ARE ovulating on it, next comes the IUI, which stands for intrauterine insemination. (sometimes called artificial insemination) If you don't have a shed on your own, the Dr. will likely give you Prometrium. At the end of the 10 days on prometrium, your body will shed the liner, and start the process again. It usually takes up to 7 days for the shed.

Second step, calling the clinic. On Cd1 (the first day of your period, not just spotting) you call in to inform the clinic, and get your ultrasound booked. Which is usually about cd10, and every 2-3 after that.

Next, Clomid! Which you take for 5 days. some doctors will advise cd3-cd7, some will advise cd5-cd10. Depends on the dr. I myself am doing cd3-cd7.

CD10 (or so) you go in for your first ultrasound to see how the follicle is doing. Then you go in every 2-3 days until the follicle grows to about 18-24mm. At which point I get to have a shot of HGC to 'force' ovulation.

DW has one job during this process.. to make a 'donation' at the lab, which will be washed and inserted!

That's it! Lots of waiting around for things to be ready, followed by lots of waiting to see if it worked or not!!!! If AF goes as predicted, I should be heading to Cowtown for my first appointment on August 3 me thinks, cuz the long weekend just happens to fall that weekend so.. EEK! It is coming up SOON!

Freeeeedom!

I decided it was time to be free, of Facebook that is. I'll admit, I was an addict. So I figured the best cure was to just be done with it. And not just deactivate it, because I have horrid self control. So I spent hours deleting EVERY friend, all of my personal information, all 'tags' on photos & notes, EVERYTHING! It seriously took forever. But now I am free! So much free time! haha

In other news, I have the most HORRID hair color right now! Let's just say, I shan't be coloring my hair purple and dark dark brown anytime soon. I used a hair stripper last night, which was basically a weak as bleach, and had to bleach it anyways this morning. So right now, my hair is a delightful peach, orange and cotton candy pink, with random bits of yellow and blond. SEXY! I have NO idea how my color is going to cover this gong show of a rainbow hair do I'm rockin but... I have photos to prove it :)


Fantastic eh? haha Here hoping the new color will cover it decently. At least Emi loves it! :)


I guess I should do a fertility update... Round 4 of Clmoid sucked. No sign of ovulation, really low temps, but at least AF came, even if it wasn't until about CD38. So now I am on my first cycle sans Clomid after 4 on Clomid, CD 20 (ish.. I don't have my chart stuff at mum's) and still super low temps. Zero sign that my body is going to try to do anything out of its ordinary. Been exercising more lately, and am planning on starting P90X with a friend soon. Plus I am looking into trying a low GI diet and see if that helps my silly body work better! If I have zero results by the end of April, we shall be heading to the fertility clinic again in May. But I think the big issue right now, is getting rid of some excess chub then worrying about the ovulation! Because baby or no baby, I don't wanna look like this forever.. nope nope nope...


Random info time! DW is waiting to hear about a new job! He should know tomorrow if he will get on for the shut down at the end of the month. I'm in the process of completing my passport application. Mum called last night on her way (by car) to California and said I should get it asap so I can fly down to California on April 8th to drive back with her and my sister person. Which means a stop in Vegas! SO SO EXCITED! I have only ever been to LAX, Colorado and Montana. It will be amazing to see some of the other sights on the drive home :)

Off to tidy up toys, do lunch dishes and hopefully get some reading in before the girls wake up :)

Life.. or something like it

Friday was a craptastic day. I woke up tired, with my usual headache, and walked down stairs to my usual disaster I call home. Due to that fact that we are stupid broke, there is no food in the house, so I skipped breakfast (and lunch) and started in on my 'to do' list for the day. First item, call the bank and figure out what is up with our mortgage payments. Only to find out we owe 2 months worth, due asap. Oh and can I bring that in today? So the wee bit of money we have been saving to try and dig ourselves out of debt went towards the mortgage, along with the last of the money in the bank account for food, gas and all our bills (which are still due, but will have to jolly well wait until DW gets paid next).

So, I walk into the bank, shaking because I'm so upset that life is constantly sucking, and muttering in my head that I am frakking DONE with this. But in I go, and hand over ALL of my money. And to top it off, the bank teller had the nerve to update my info on the system. I know, sounds harmless enough right?

Question one, phone number? Easy!

Question two, job? Gee thanks lady.. bring up my recent surprise termination!

Question three, any kids? I literally felt like a mental patient. Knowing it was insane, but not being able to stop myself, I said nope, with my eyes brimming full, and wanting to book it out of there.

How can one little innocent question ruin my day so easily? Let me tell you a story...

Once upon a time, there was a girl who loved life. Loved to lay in the grass and breathe in the fresh air, watch the leaves fall. A girl who loved Sundays most, because church is on Sundays, and that meant singing wonderful worship songs, giving glory to God for all the amazing things He has done. She loved to spend her time with family and friends. She was a hugger. She was quick to trust and forgive. Those who knew her thought it so fitting that her middle name was joy, because she was joyful and caring.

That girl is gone. Sundays feel like an obligation, worship is empty. She has trouble caring about anything at all. She spends time with family and friends, but rarely shares her heart. She finds hugs awkward now. She is skeptical, and avoids people whenever she can. She has lost her joy, and is terrified that she will loose what little hope is left.

Almost 5 and a half years of infertility have changed me in ways so drastic that my own mother has asked where I have 'gone'. I used to enjoy life. I used to be happy. These days, I trudge though life, wishing it would just stop already. I am surrounded with everything I want, but can't have. Watching people take for granted something that seems to miraculous to me, as if it were nothing. How have I become this person? A person who's most 'whole' feeling moments are when she holds her 10 month old niece and can for a second feel like she has something to live for?

That is the most honest I have been (other than with DW) for a long time.

**Lack of sleep tends to remove my inhibitions. (I literally act like a drunk if I'm tired enough.. but ironically just get tired when I drink)

Time for me to try to fall asleep before 2am for a change.

HSG

I am awful at blogging! But oh well! Better late than never right? I'll skip all the gong show of being fired, and my lovely trip to Vancouver, and get down to business about the fertility stuff. While in Vancouver, I got to start taking my Prometrium (aka progesterone) pills to induce AF, but while on them, AF decided to come on her own, instead of after. So I stopped them 2 days early, and called to book my HSG for September 1st at 8 am. (they only book mon-fri at 8 am) I returned home late on August 28, and had a lovely weekend with. Monday the 31st, I started my doxycycline to help combat the possible infection from the HSG.

Left to right: Orange pills are Doxycycline, Blue pills are Naproxen, & the White balls are the Prometrium.

Tuesday, September 1st

4:45 am: After a restless 4 hour sleep, I got up, got dressed, and rushed out the door by 5:05 am

5:20 am: Picked mumsie up after getting gas and a bagel, off to Calgary

6:00 am: Took my Naproxen (anti-inflammatory) and Doxycycline

7:20 am: Arrived at Foothills Hospital, took my motrin and went inside to wait.

7:50 am: Switched into a super sexy gown and robe, ushered into a separate waiting room.

8:25 am: Time for the HSG. It sucked. No sugar coating it, it was awful. TMI ALERT! I laid down under the xray machine thingy, and had the very typical gyno visit tool inserted. That I've had enough times that it wasn't to bad. Then came the cervical 'cleaning'. Holy CRAP! It felt like my cervix was being scrapped with a wire brush, twice! Next Dr. Wong inserted a catheter into my uterus and the cramping was insane. I did a whole lot of deep breathing, and waited impatiently for it to end. Dr. Wong informed me during the procedure that I have a normal 'heart' shaped uterus, and I saw for myself that the dye was exiting one of my tubes. I couldn't tell from the crazy xray screen where the other one was even located, but when it was all said and done, Dr. Wong said as I exited the room that "everything looked good!"

I have to admit, after a 'Praise the Lord' came the, oh crap! That is one more thing that isn't wrong, so what the eff is wrong? I go in September 28th for my next appointment, but am seriously considering calling in to see if they have a cancelation, if I can get in sooner. Because I really want to get start on the hormone therapy asap.

Waiting...

     As I spend my days in Ladner cooking, cleaning, chasing (after kids) and cuddling (with my nieces, 2 & 4), while waiting for my new niece or nephew to arrive, my heart is hurting. How I long to be huge and uncomfortable like like sister-in-law is right now. To experience it all, being kicked in the ribs, the hiccups, the sleepless nights, the excitement, knowing your own precious baby is growing the developing inside of you at that very moment. And then, to feel the contractions, and know that very soon you will have your own little sweet pea in your arms. You will soon be kissing a little head, covered in duck fuzz, counting those perfect fingers and toes. What an amazing rewards after all the pain and discomfort.

     For me, the hard part is not going to be the contractions, it is right now, the waiting and wishing. The countless months (or years) waiting to see those two little pink lines appear. What a funny way to find out such monumental news. News that will forever change your life, and you find out by peeing on a stick! And the stories you hear of where people choose to pee on a stick.. thankfully in bathrooms, but... at Denny's? Or Superstore? My preference would be at home for sure. Then I would feel 100% free to shout, laugh, cry, dance and of course, dream!
So far that dream of seeing those pink lines remains exactly that, a dream. After too many negative results to even keep count of, I have just stopped taking them. The deferred hope, the whispered prayers 'Oh Lord, please let this be the time! PLEASE!' Or 'Your will be done..' I just can't do it anymore. The nervous knot, the disappointment.. it was to depressing to repeat month after month. Maybe this is God's will for my life? Maybe I'm not ready? I just don't know. So, I wait.

     I doubt I'm the only one feeling like this, but the struggle with infertility has taken a toll on me. I feel like such a failure. All the pressure from family for grandkids, for nieces and nephews. The pressure from friends, who seem to have memory issues, and always ask when we 'plan' on starting a family. As if we have the choice to just stop being infertile! At first, it was just hard to handle, and now, I feel like it is all my fault. I'm the one who can't conceive. (We've had the tests, no problems with the swimmers) What kind of woman am I? I don't even do the basic human functions properly! I can't give my husband a son, or a daughter! I can't give my parents grandchildren. Will I ever? How do I stop the onslaught of emotions that steamroll me at random? I'm forever battling myself, defending against the lie that this is my fault, that I am being punished for something. Why else would this be happening? 

     So I just keep telling myself, over and over again, I am NOT being punished, and

I AM NOT A FAILURE!

    Sure, so my overies aren't working so great, but I'm okay! Emotionally retarded, but okay!

journey of hope

     I was born April, 1983, to amazing, godly parents. I have two big brothers, and one baby sister. We lived in many different places, and although we met many, many people, the four of us siblings always stuck close to each other. Still do.

     In 2002 i jetted off on a new adventure, a new chapter of my life. New Zealand was my home for a year. I made amazing discoveries, met wonderful friends, and had exciting experiences. It was a huge time of growth and self discovery,

     When I returned to Canada, I met and fell in love with a man like no other. He was the most fiercely loyal person I had ever known. DW was passionate about God, reptiles, and music. And although we were only 20, we decided we wanted to spend our lives together. On May 1, 2004 we were married before our families and friends, in a rather small, candle-lit evening service. He had a mohawk, I wore white. (With a black corset tie-up back, and hot pink flip flops.)We both looked FABULOUS!

     After an interesting honeymoon in Fairmont, filled with the usual honeymoon activities, vehicles breaking down, and insane amounts of rain and mosquitoes, we started our 'life'! Working, playing, the usual. And we we decided we wanted to shirk the stereotypical attitude of our peers and start a family right away. After all, I had gotten my cycle on our honeymoon, so we could start trying right away. Only, my next cycle didn't arrive until August ('04)! And the one after that, July ('05!!!) So we started seeing doctors.

     In December ('05) I was put on a drug called Provera. I was told it was to 'kick-start' my period. Only, that was not really what the drug did. So after 3 months on provera, I stopped taking it, and waited to see if my cycle would come again. It did! About once every 3-4 months. And it was never a regular cycle. Very light, and short. The doctors sent me in twice to get ultrasounds, the first one was just a regular external one, the second appointment, I got the external and a internal one. OUCH! But both showed nothing out of the ordinary. No cysts, everything looked perfectly normal. So what the heck is going on? The doctors didn't know.
In the fall of 2007 I decided to try this new drug women with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) were taking. Metformin seemed to help a little. It also helped me loose some wieght, which each docotor has said 'might' be the issue. (Of course they had NO idea what was, and still is, going on) the side effects of metformin sucked though. I could never be far from a bathroom, otherwise I'd have issues! But I won't give more details than that!

     So here I am, June 2008, and my womb is still barren. My hope is still alive, but my heart hurts more than words could ever describe. My arms ache to hold my own child, to nestle my child to my breast. I feel as though my purpose on this earth is to be a mother, and yet, I am not one. And by worldly standards (aka doctors) may never be one. And my whole being is in mourning for the children I may never have. I feel so alone in this. All around me fertile women seem to mock me, with their protruding belly or their newborn babe.

     Their stories of conception make me want to yell out in agony. The 'oops' conception... is always the most painful to hear. Why is it so easy for everyone who doesn't even WANT a child to get 'knocked-up', and yet, I remain childless.

     How can anyone truly understand how I feel if they aren't in my same situation. I 'had' two friends who understood, until they both conceived, both miscarried, and now one of which is pregnant again. At least they know they can get pregnant... I don't even have that.

     I hate to sound like a big whiner, I'm sure all my friends are sick of this subject, but I just want to know why I don't get to experience the miracle of carrying a child?!? Will I ever? How many more friends and family members will I have to watch experiencing my biggest dream in life, before its my turn? How many times will I have to hear the two worst phrases ever? (1- So, when are you going to start having kids? 2- We're Pregnant!) I truly am excited for everyone who tells me that, but a little piece of my heart breaks away each time. I don't know how much longer I can wait, before my heart is so broken it just stops working altogether! And yet.... I keep hoping!

Proverbs 23:18
'Surely there is a future, and your hope will not be cut off!'

Psalm 27:14
'Wait for the Lord. Be strong and let your heart take courage. Yes, wait for the Lord!'

     So, I wait. Trying to remind myself of those verses. On June 6, 2006, I got a tattoo on my wrist, of a gorgeous pink flower as a reminder, with a banner above the flower that says "Future Hope".