Random Ramble

I really have nothing much to say today. It is a lovely fall day, 22 degrees (celsius) and I am thinking about Christmas! Ridiculous! But alas, I can't help it! I LOVE Christmas. I also have a shameful love of halloween decorations, but am anti-halloween otherwise. I just love bats and skulls. I find them pretty. (I also ramble a lot) I went shopping with a friend and her two rambunctious boys this morning, looking at christmas crafts at Michael's, and I found some wonderful halloween stuff that I SO wanted. But I settled on some totally cute party bags, and a bat cookie cutter! Can't wait to bake now!

Life.. or something like it

Friday was a craptastic day. I woke up tired, with my usual headache, and walked down stairs to my usual disaster I call home. Due to that fact that we are stupid broke, there is no food in the house, so I skipped breakfast (and lunch) and started in on my 'to do' list for the day. First item, call the bank and figure out what is up with our mortgage payments. Only to find out we owe 2 months worth, due asap. Oh and can I bring that in today? So the wee bit of money we have been saving to try and dig ourselves out of debt went towards the mortgage, along with the last of the money in the bank account for food, gas and all our bills (which are still due, but will have to jolly well wait until DW gets paid next).

So, I walk into the bank, shaking because I'm so upset that life is constantly sucking, and muttering in my head that I am frakking DONE with this. But in I go, and hand over ALL of my money. And to top it off, the bank teller had the nerve to update my info on the system. I know, sounds harmless enough right?

Question one, phone number? Easy!

Question two, job? Gee thanks lady.. bring up my recent surprise termination!

Question three, any kids? I literally felt like a mental patient. Knowing it was insane, but not being able to stop myself, I said nope, with my eyes brimming full, and wanting to book it out of there.

How can one little innocent question ruin my day so easily? Let me tell you a story...

Once upon a time, there was a girl who loved life. Loved to lay in the grass and breathe in the fresh air, watch the leaves fall. A girl who loved Sundays most, because church is on Sundays, and that meant singing wonderful worship songs, giving glory to God for all the amazing things He has done. She loved to spend her time with family and friends. She was a hugger. She was quick to trust and forgive. Those who knew her thought it so fitting that her middle name was joy, because she was joyful and caring.

That girl is gone. Sundays feel like an obligation, worship is empty. She has trouble caring about anything at all. She spends time with family and friends, but rarely shares her heart. She finds hugs awkward now. She is skeptical, and avoids people whenever she can. She has lost her joy, and is terrified that she will loose what little hope is left.

Almost 5 and a half years of infertility have changed me in ways so drastic that my own mother has asked where I have 'gone'. I used to enjoy life. I used to be happy. These days, I trudge though life, wishing it would just stop already. I am surrounded with everything I want, but can't have. Watching people take for granted something that seems to miraculous to me, as if it were nothing. How have I become this person? A person who's most 'whole' feeling moments are when she holds her 10 month old niece and can for a second feel like she has something to live for?

That is the most honest I have been (other than with DW) for a long time.

**Lack of sleep tends to remove my inhibitions. (I literally act like a drunk if I'm tired enough.. but ironically just get tired when I drink)

Time for me to try to fall asleep before 2am for a change.

HSG

I am awful at blogging! But oh well! Better late than never right? I'll skip all the gong show of being fired, and my lovely trip to Vancouver, and get down to business about the fertility stuff. While in Vancouver, I got to start taking my Prometrium (aka progesterone) pills to induce AF, but while on them, AF decided to come on her own, instead of after. So I stopped them 2 days early, and called to book my HSG for September 1st at 8 am. (they only book mon-fri at 8 am) I returned home late on August 28, and had a lovely weekend with. Monday the 31st, I started my doxycycline to help combat the possible infection from the HSG.

Left to right: Orange pills are Doxycycline, Blue pills are Naproxen, & the White balls are the Prometrium.

Tuesday, September 1st

4:45 am: After a restless 4 hour sleep, I got up, got dressed, and rushed out the door by 5:05 am

5:20 am: Picked mumsie up after getting gas and a bagel, off to Calgary

6:00 am: Took my Naproxen (anti-inflammatory) and Doxycycline

7:20 am: Arrived at Foothills Hospital, took my motrin and went inside to wait.

7:50 am: Switched into a super sexy gown and robe, ushered into a separate waiting room.

8:25 am: Time for the HSG. It sucked. No sugar coating it, it was awful. TMI ALERT! I laid down under the xray machine thingy, and had the very typical gyno visit tool inserted. That I've had enough times that it wasn't to bad. Then came the cervical 'cleaning'. Holy CRAP! It felt like my cervix was being scrapped with a wire brush, twice! Next Dr. Wong inserted a catheter into my uterus and the cramping was insane. I did a whole lot of deep breathing, and waited impatiently for it to end. Dr. Wong informed me during the procedure that I have a normal 'heart' shaped uterus, and I saw for myself that the dye was exiting one of my tubes. I couldn't tell from the crazy xray screen where the other one was even located, but when it was all said and done, Dr. Wong said as I exited the room that "everything looked good!"

I have to admit, after a 'Praise the Lord' came the, oh crap! That is one more thing that isn't wrong, so what the eff is wrong? I go in September 28th for my next appointment, but am seriously considering calling in to see if they have a cancelation, if I can get in sooner. Because I really want to get start on the hormone therapy asap.