Hermit much?

     So, I think I made a discovery about myself. I am a hermit! Ever since my battle with fertility began, I have withdrawn further and further into my little 'safe' space. My bubble basically consists of family, and friends I've had for years. 

     I hate meeting new people! Once you join the marrieds, it starts right away. Every new couple you meet asks the same questions -and usually during your first conversation- about having kids. Seriously, explaining such an emotional and personal issue with a stranger? NOT my idea of a good time!

-a- way to painful for me

-2- I feel inadequate or like a failure.

-c- just plain AWKWARD!

     So, next time you meet new people, who aren't lugging around diaper bags, mini coats, and random McDonalds toys, DON'T ask the kid question! So many women are dealing with fertility issues these days, and bringing it up, not fun! If they are open to talking about such things, they will bring it up themselves!

Waiting...

     As I spend my days in Ladner cooking, cleaning, chasing (after kids) and cuddling (with my nieces, 2 & 4), while waiting for my new niece or nephew to arrive, my heart is hurting. How I long to be huge and uncomfortable like like sister-in-law is right now. To experience it all, being kicked in the ribs, the hiccups, the sleepless nights, the excitement, knowing your own precious baby is growing the developing inside of you at that very moment. And then, to feel the contractions, and know that very soon you will have your own little sweet pea in your arms. You will soon be kissing a little head, covered in duck fuzz, counting those perfect fingers and toes. What an amazing rewards after all the pain and discomfort.

     For me, the hard part is not going to be the contractions, it is right now, the waiting and wishing. The countless months (or years) waiting to see those two little pink lines appear. What a funny way to find out such monumental news. News that will forever change your life, and you find out by peeing on a stick! And the stories you hear of where people choose to pee on a stick.. thankfully in bathrooms, but... at Denny's? Or Superstore? My preference would be at home for sure. Then I would feel 100% free to shout, laugh, cry, dance and of course, dream!
So far that dream of seeing those pink lines remains exactly that, a dream. After too many negative results to even keep count of, I have just stopped taking them. The deferred hope, the whispered prayers 'Oh Lord, please let this be the time! PLEASE!' Or 'Your will be done..' I just can't do it anymore. The nervous knot, the disappointment.. it was to depressing to repeat month after month. Maybe this is God's will for my life? Maybe I'm not ready? I just don't know. So, I wait.

     I doubt I'm the only one feeling like this, but the struggle with infertility has taken a toll on me. I feel like such a failure. All the pressure from family for grandkids, for nieces and nephews. The pressure from friends, who seem to have memory issues, and always ask when we 'plan' on starting a family. As if we have the choice to just stop being infertile! At first, it was just hard to handle, and now, I feel like it is all my fault. I'm the one who can't conceive. (We've had the tests, no problems with the swimmers) What kind of woman am I? I don't even do the basic human functions properly! I can't give my husband a son, or a daughter! I can't give my parents grandchildren. Will I ever? How do I stop the onslaught of emotions that steamroll me at random? I'm forever battling myself, defending against the lie that this is my fault, that I am being punished for something. Why else would this be happening? 

     So I just keep telling myself, over and over again, I am NOT being punished, and

I AM NOT A FAILURE!

    Sure, so my overies aren't working so great, but I'm okay! Emotionally retarded, but okay!

journey of hope

     I was born April, 1983, to amazing, godly parents. I have two big brothers, and one baby sister. We lived in many different places, and although we met many, many people, the four of us siblings always stuck close to each other. Still do.

     In 2002 i jetted off on a new adventure, a new chapter of my life. New Zealand was my home for a year. I made amazing discoveries, met wonderful friends, and had exciting experiences. It was a huge time of growth and self discovery,

     When I returned to Canada, I met and fell in love with a man like no other. He was the most fiercely loyal person I had ever known. DW was passionate about God, reptiles, and music. And although we were only 20, we decided we wanted to spend our lives together. On May 1, 2004 we were married before our families and friends, in a rather small, candle-lit evening service. He had a mohawk, I wore white. (With a black corset tie-up back, and hot pink flip flops.)We both looked FABULOUS!

     After an interesting honeymoon in Fairmont, filled with the usual honeymoon activities, vehicles breaking down, and insane amounts of rain and mosquitoes, we started our 'life'! Working, playing, the usual. And we we decided we wanted to shirk the stereotypical attitude of our peers and start a family right away. After all, I had gotten my cycle on our honeymoon, so we could start trying right away. Only, my next cycle didn't arrive until August ('04)! And the one after that, July ('05!!!) So we started seeing doctors.

     In December ('05) I was put on a drug called Provera. I was told it was to 'kick-start' my period. Only, that was not really what the drug did. So after 3 months on provera, I stopped taking it, and waited to see if my cycle would come again. It did! About once every 3-4 months. And it was never a regular cycle. Very light, and short. The doctors sent me in twice to get ultrasounds, the first one was just a regular external one, the second appointment, I got the external and a internal one. OUCH! But both showed nothing out of the ordinary. No cysts, everything looked perfectly normal. So what the heck is going on? The doctors didn't know.
In the fall of 2007 I decided to try this new drug women with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) were taking. Metformin seemed to help a little. It also helped me loose some wieght, which each docotor has said 'might' be the issue. (Of course they had NO idea what was, and still is, going on) the side effects of metformin sucked though. I could never be far from a bathroom, otherwise I'd have issues! But I won't give more details than that!

     So here I am, June 2008, and my womb is still barren. My hope is still alive, but my heart hurts more than words could ever describe. My arms ache to hold my own child, to nestle my child to my breast. I feel as though my purpose on this earth is to be a mother, and yet, I am not one. And by worldly standards (aka doctors) may never be one. And my whole being is in mourning for the children I may never have. I feel so alone in this. All around me fertile women seem to mock me, with their protruding belly or their newborn babe.

     Their stories of conception make me want to yell out in agony. The 'oops' conception... is always the most painful to hear. Why is it so easy for everyone who doesn't even WANT a child to get 'knocked-up', and yet, I remain childless.

     How can anyone truly understand how I feel if they aren't in my same situation. I 'had' two friends who understood, until they both conceived, both miscarried, and now one of which is pregnant again. At least they know they can get pregnant... I don't even have that.

     I hate to sound like a big whiner, I'm sure all my friends are sick of this subject, but I just want to know why I don't get to experience the miracle of carrying a child?!? Will I ever? How many more friends and family members will I have to watch experiencing my biggest dream in life, before its my turn? How many times will I have to hear the two worst phrases ever? (1- So, when are you going to start having kids? 2- We're Pregnant!) I truly am excited for everyone who tells me that, but a little piece of my heart breaks away each time. I don't know how much longer I can wait, before my heart is so broken it just stops working altogether! And yet.... I keep hoping!

Proverbs 23:18
'Surely there is a future, and your hope will not be cut off!'

Psalm 27:14
'Wait for the Lord. Be strong and let your heart take courage. Yes, wait for the Lord!'

     So, I wait. Trying to remind myself of those verses. On June 6, 2006, I got a tattoo on my wrist, of a gorgeous pink flower as a reminder, with a banner above the flower that says "Future Hope".